Oh my gosh. I must have a commitment phobia or something. So this guy I sorta like, he just offered to sing me to sleep. And yes, that's cute and romantic or whatever but I'm freaking out! It scares me! I feel like I'm losing control! So this is why I never want to date anyone... Who ever said this was supposed to be fun? Not that we're dating! No! We're not! I would flip out! I would cry! What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm just tired. I did stay up until 3 last night. That must be it. Maybe I'm PMSing. Something is wrong with me. Why am I like this?
Jesus Christ,
Is this normal? Oh my Lord be with me! I feel so out of control. I feel like this isn't right. Am I betraying you, oh Lord? I'm so stupid, I know nothing about this kind of stuff. This truly is why I will never date in high school. It's so... weird. We're all stupid and don't know anything. The last thing I ever want to do is blinding go down a road that will lead me away from you. I need you, God! I cannot survive without you showing me where to go each day. I can't make decisions on my own, Lord. Tell me what to do and I will obey. Give me peace, God. I love you with my whole heart.
Amen.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Well crap
It's happened again. I'm going to have to choose to put Him first. I don't know if this is right or wrong but I can't help it. No! *hard slap on the arm* I've been doing that a lot in the past 24 hours. I'm disciplining myself. Can't get carried away. God is my focus, my only desire. Everything else will pass away. God is always constant, always consistent, always right.
I know this is making no sense but... well it does to me. I don't want to sound like a stupid, immature teenager so I'm not going to directly tell you what is going on. But I'm sure you can guess. I feel so stupid.
God,
Is this right? Is this what you want? I don't need to be distracted, you have great things planned for me, you told me! I don't want this to get in the way! I don't want anything to get in the way. If this isn't what you want, tell me so now and I will immediately restrain myself. It's just that... this one is actually a possibility. It's so close I can almost taste it. This time it could really happen. But not if it would keep me from doing your will. You always rescue me, my Jesus. You are my best friend. Tell me where to go, Lord. Tell me how to handle this. I need you. And I love you.
Your daughter,
Sarah
I know this is making no sense but... well it does to me. I don't want to sound like a stupid, immature teenager so I'm not going to directly tell you what is going on. But I'm sure you can guess. I feel so stupid.
God,
Is this right? Is this what you want? I don't need to be distracted, you have great things planned for me, you told me! I don't want this to get in the way! I don't want anything to get in the way. If this isn't what you want, tell me so now and I will immediately restrain myself. It's just that... this one is actually a possibility. It's so close I can almost taste it. This time it could really happen. But not if it would keep me from doing your will. You always rescue me, my Jesus. You are my best friend. Tell me where to go, Lord. Tell me how to handle this. I need you. And I love you.
Your daughter,
Sarah
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
New school year's resolution
Here are my resolutions for the new school year:
-- try very hard to understand and succeed in Spanish
-- Teach Kaleo wholeheartedly each week
-- Sew myself an entire outfit
-- Knit/crochet a scarf
-- Finally finish my quilt
-- Try to do little weekend missions at least twice a month
I'm so excited! :) Especially about sewing my own outfit and doing the weekend missions. I wonder how many of these I'll actually get done! I guess we'll see. :)
"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" ~ Jeremiah 32:27
Sarah
-- try very hard to understand and succeed in Spanish
-- Teach Kaleo wholeheartedly each week
-- Sew myself an entire outfit
-- Knit/crochet a scarf
-- Finally finish my quilt
-- Try to do little weekend missions at least twice a month
I'm so excited! :) Especially about sewing my own outfit and doing the weekend missions. I wonder how many of these I'll actually get done! I guess we'll see. :)
"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" ~ Jeremiah 32:27
Sarah
Monday, August 1, 2011
Chaos in my mind
Ok, I have a lot on my mind, so here it goes.
So all summer a friend and I (we'll call her Page) have been planning on doing a Bible study at my church for the middle school girls. You know about this, it was in my last post. Kaleo. So it started when we were trying to find a place to do it at that wasn't at the church. We wanted some place cozy and nice so that the girls would feel free to open up and speak. But we soon found that to be difficult because no businesses are open on Sundays and our houses are way in the middle of nowhere. So I really prayed about it and felt like God was telling me to have it at the church and just be thankful that we have such a cool youth building. I told Page this and I could tell she was still sorta hanging on to the off-campus idea. So I just told her we'd pray some more about it. Then our youth pastor Kyle suggested Isabella (who has been doing a MS girls Bible study all summer) work with us. I have nothing against Isabella and I am perfectly fine with her working with us. I just don't know her very well and don't know how she teaches. Plus, I was worried that she would get burned out doing a Bible study all summer AND all school year. I was sharing this all with Page when she said we should just give it up to God and accused me of making excuses because I didn't want to work with Isabella. This frustrated me a little but I let it go because I didn't want to cause drama. But then again, we had already talked to Micah about helping us teach and I'm afraid 4 teachers is too many! Especially if we don't have that many girls show up. However Kyle encouraged it. And now after so many changes and so much effort (that turned up to be worthless) I am just done with it. It makes me not want to do the Bible study anymore. Especially since Page has been a little more of a snob lately (I'm sorry, I hate to be mean but right now I'm just frustrated and confused). But if I back out now, Page will definitely be PO-ed and might be angry at me for a while (when she gets angry at a friend, she stays angry and is quick to hold grudges and cause drama). So I don't want that to happen because she's the only person I know who will actually do stuff like Bible studies and little missions around the community with me.
Oh! This just in! We have fresh information on the subject. So now Taylor (an intern at the church) has been talking to Kyle and wants to meet with the three of us (Page, Isabella and me) to discuss the Bible study and set things in stone. I have a feeling it would be so much easier (and safe me much stress) to just back out. Page and Isabella can do the Bible study together, that'd be great! And I can stick to my other Bible study.
Oh, that's right. I was also wanting to do a Bible study at my school. This option sounds much more appealing than the last. To me, this Bible study would look like one of two things. 1.) meeting at the school 30 minutes before time to start with the high school girls and just sharing what God taught me that week. or 2.) meeting on Monday nights at probably my house, all of high school, small, cozy, people taking turns teaching, nothing big. I like the sound of option two because it would bring us all together and create the homey feel that Heritage did. We were all so close at Heritage. I'm not sure if anything could be like it... Anyway, I'm also nervous about option two because I'd feel weird teaching in front of all the high school (especially when most of the guys are awkward and probably would respond to any questions or anything).
I know I should pray about it all but at this point I am so frustrated with all of the options, all of the problems, all of the stuff that needs to be "figured out" that I just want to scream and throw it all away. Then that's when I'm thinking "Why can't things be simple? Why can't I just serve God with my entire being? I'll give all my stuff away, I'll give it all away! I'll throw myself into any service to God, I'll devote my life to anything God wills! Why is it the petty things that always get in the way?" I know those thoughts seem random but it's what I think. Then I remind myself that I need to do that God is calling me to do here and now. He doesn't want me to sell all of my things, he doesn't want me to try to run away from the problems by working. He wants me to stop. And listen. And I try to listen but the voices of these problems seem to be shouting. But no, He says "Be still and know that I am God."
And I'm trying. I stopped, I prayed, and I listened. But I don't think He's ready to give an answer yet. I just have to trust that He will give it to me when the time is right.
So for now, we'll put everything on hold. I will wait for His response. I will wait for His word before taking another step. If you've made it this far, I applaud you. You are a tough cookie for making it through that confusing train of thought. Pray for me, though.
May the God of peace and the God of knowledge be with you wherever you go.
Sarah
So all summer a friend and I (we'll call her Page) have been planning on doing a Bible study at my church for the middle school girls. You know about this, it was in my last post. Kaleo. So it started when we were trying to find a place to do it at that wasn't at the church. We wanted some place cozy and nice so that the girls would feel free to open up and speak. But we soon found that to be difficult because no businesses are open on Sundays and our houses are way in the middle of nowhere. So I really prayed about it and felt like God was telling me to have it at the church and just be thankful that we have such a cool youth building. I told Page this and I could tell she was still sorta hanging on to the off-campus idea. So I just told her we'd pray some more about it. Then our youth pastor Kyle suggested Isabella (who has been doing a MS girls Bible study all summer) work with us. I have nothing against Isabella and I am perfectly fine with her working with us. I just don't know her very well and don't know how she teaches. Plus, I was worried that she would get burned out doing a Bible study all summer AND all school year. I was sharing this all with Page when she said we should just give it up to God and accused me of making excuses because I didn't want to work with Isabella. This frustrated me a little but I let it go because I didn't want to cause drama. But then again, we had already talked to Micah about helping us teach and I'm afraid 4 teachers is too many! Especially if we don't have that many girls show up. However Kyle encouraged it. And now after so many changes and so much effort (that turned up to be worthless) I am just done with it. It makes me not want to do the Bible study anymore. Especially since Page has been a little more of a snob lately (I'm sorry, I hate to be mean but right now I'm just frustrated and confused). But if I back out now, Page will definitely be PO-ed and might be angry at me for a while (when she gets angry at a friend, she stays angry and is quick to hold grudges and cause drama). So I don't want that to happen because she's the only person I know who will actually do stuff like Bible studies and little missions around the community with me.
Oh! This just in! We have fresh information on the subject. So now Taylor (an intern at the church) has been talking to Kyle and wants to meet with the three of us (Page, Isabella and me) to discuss the Bible study and set things in stone. I have a feeling it would be so much easier (and safe me much stress) to just back out. Page and Isabella can do the Bible study together, that'd be great! And I can stick to my other Bible study.
Oh, that's right. I was also wanting to do a Bible study at my school. This option sounds much more appealing than the last. To me, this Bible study would look like one of two things. 1.) meeting at the school 30 minutes before time to start with the high school girls and just sharing what God taught me that week. or 2.) meeting on Monday nights at probably my house, all of high school, small, cozy, people taking turns teaching, nothing big. I like the sound of option two because it would bring us all together and create the homey feel that Heritage did. We were all so close at Heritage. I'm not sure if anything could be like it... Anyway, I'm also nervous about option two because I'd feel weird teaching in front of all the high school (especially when most of the guys are awkward and probably would respond to any questions or anything).
I know I should pray about it all but at this point I am so frustrated with all of the options, all of the problems, all of the stuff that needs to be "figured out" that I just want to scream and throw it all away. Then that's when I'm thinking "Why can't things be simple? Why can't I just serve God with my entire being? I'll give all my stuff away, I'll give it all away! I'll throw myself into any service to God, I'll devote my life to anything God wills! Why is it the petty things that always get in the way?" I know those thoughts seem random but it's what I think. Then I remind myself that I need to do that God is calling me to do here and now. He doesn't want me to sell all of my things, he doesn't want me to try to run away from the problems by working. He wants me to stop. And listen. And I try to listen but the voices of these problems seem to be shouting. But no, He says "Be still and know that I am God."
And I'm trying. I stopped, I prayed, and I listened. But I don't think He's ready to give an answer yet. I just have to trust that He will give it to me when the time is right.
So for now, we'll put everything on hold. I will wait for His response. I will wait for His word before taking another step. If you've made it this far, I applaud you. You are a tough cookie for making it through that confusing train of thought. Pray for me, though.
May the God of peace and the God of knowledge be with you wherever you go.
Sarah
Monday, July 25, 2011
Summer Ends
Wow, this summer has flown by. I have been kept very busy! And as I sit here, reflecting on all of my trips, I realize how much I have learned. My whole attitude and perspective has been shifted.
Through Fuge (church camp) I have learned that I need to start living like a Christian should. I have learned that I am much more selfish than I think I am. And I have learned that Jesus Christ is with me always, helping me through every obstacle. He has all the power and provisions anyone ever needs. He is all we need. May all glory go to Christ who has saved me.
Through both of my World Changers (but more so in Brunswick; a.k.a. "the Wick") I have learned how incredibly blessed I am and how capable I am of serving others. I am healthy and strong and young. I have energy and resilience. Heck, if I can spend two weeks working 9 hours a day off of 6 and a half hours of sleep and some pretty nasty food, then I have to be pretty well off! Oh, but those two weeks were the best of my whole summer.
Brunswick especially changed my desires about something. No longer do I have a hunger for the picturesque, Southern Living-type vacation. I have no longing for big, pastel beach cottages with expensive furnishings and frilly decorations. I don't want to spend a week surrounded by carefully manicured lawns and cobblestone streets and shops with cute clothes that are extremely overpriced. I'm not saying these things are wrong, I'm just saying that I don't want that. I would much, much rather be on a roof in 128 degree weather in (well, let's be honest here) the ghetto. Let me tell you, Brunswick was most definitely ghetto. At least, it was where we were staying (in an elementary school with cockroaches in the bathrooms, yum!). Some girls in our crew went on a prayer walk in the neighborhood we were working in and they saw a guy sitting on his porch smoking a joint like it was nobody's business. It was dirty, run-down and probably a little dangerous but I have never felt more at home. I am comfortable there. I simply loved waking up at 5:30 in the morning and hammering nails (and my fingers) from 7 to 4. Serving God is so much fun. :) Part of the reason I had so much fun is because of my amazing crew. Everyone got along so well and share so many inside jokes. ("Shingling, shingling, it's shingle time in the ghetto!" "Kangaroo pocket!" "Hot day, cold beer!" "Shangle!")
I am so looking forward to what God is going to do the rest of the year. He has inspired me to serve everywhere. I am going to be busy this school year too! I'm doing a middle school girls Bible study with two of my friends for my church, I may do a Bible study for my grade at my school (either that, or I'm starting a student leadership team at my school, but I'm afraid that is too big of a responsibility on top of everything else), I am going to get kids in my youth group together to serve on weekends and stuff (like prayer walks, visiting nursing homes, feeding the homeless even), and then of course I actually have to do school. I really want to do well in Spanish this year. I really want to be fluent in the language.
Anyway, now I'm just rambling on. I need to save stuff for me to write about later! I will probably begin writing more regularly as the school year begins.
A week and a half until school begins.
"Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you have done for me." -- Matthew 25:40
Sarah
Through Fuge (church camp) I have learned that I need to start living like a Christian should. I have learned that I am much more selfish than I think I am. And I have learned that Jesus Christ is with me always, helping me through every obstacle. He has all the power and provisions anyone ever needs. He is all we need. May all glory go to Christ who has saved me.
Through both of my World Changers (but more so in Brunswick; a.k.a. "the Wick") I have learned how incredibly blessed I am and how capable I am of serving others. I am healthy and strong and young. I have energy and resilience. Heck, if I can spend two weeks working 9 hours a day off of 6 and a half hours of sleep and some pretty nasty food, then I have to be pretty well off! Oh, but those two weeks were the best of my whole summer.
Brunswick especially changed my desires about something. No longer do I have a hunger for the picturesque, Southern Living-type vacation. I have no longing for big, pastel beach cottages with expensive furnishings and frilly decorations. I don't want to spend a week surrounded by carefully manicured lawns and cobblestone streets and shops with cute clothes that are extremely overpriced. I'm not saying these things are wrong, I'm just saying that I don't want that. I would much, much rather be on a roof in 128 degree weather in (well, let's be honest here) the ghetto. Let me tell you, Brunswick was most definitely ghetto. At least, it was where we were staying (in an elementary school with cockroaches in the bathrooms, yum!). Some girls in our crew went on a prayer walk in the neighborhood we were working in and they saw a guy sitting on his porch smoking a joint like it was nobody's business. It was dirty, run-down and probably a little dangerous but I have never felt more at home. I am comfortable there. I simply loved waking up at 5:30 in the morning and hammering nails (and my fingers) from 7 to 4. Serving God is so much fun. :) Part of the reason I had so much fun is because of my amazing crew. Everyone got along so well and share so many inside jokes. ("Shingling, shingling, it's shingle time in the ghetto!" "Kangaroo pocket!" "Hot day, cold beer!" "Shangle!")
I am so looking forward to what God is going to do the rest of the year. He has inspired me to serve everywhere. I am going to be busy this school year too! I'm doing a middle school girls Bible study with two of my friends for my church, I may do a Bible study for my grade at my school (either that, or I'm starting a student leadership team at my school, but I'm afraid that is too big of a responsibility on top of everything else), I am going to get kids in my youth group together to serve on weekends and stuff (like prayer walks, visiting nursing homes, feeding the homeless even), and then of course I actually have to do school. I really want to do well in Spanish this year. I really want to be fluent in the language.
Anyway, now I'm just rambling on. I need to save stuff for me to write about later! I will probably begin writing more regularly as the school year begins.
A week and a half until school begins.
"Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you have done for me." -- Matthew 25:40
Sarah
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Mixed Feelings
So, I've discovered the root of what my whole last post was about. Basically, I was trying to put myself in a situation where I would be completely dependent on God alone, because I'd never done that before. Sure, I depend on God to take care of my soul, but what about my body? I was plagued with the idea of giving away all my money and extra clothes, I even wanted to try fasting just to prove that all I needed was God. It was strange, but I'm kind of over it now. I'm still dependent on God, I thank Him every time I receive something. But now I'm not going to rashly give away all of my money. I know what I'm saving for and it will bring more glory to God than a donation.
So, switching subjects, I just got done watching Super 8. It was really good! Now I want to make a movie with my friends. Haha :) But it brought back to my attention something very odd about me. I've always been very empathetic, but I've realized that when someone is grieving or something like that, I can literally feel their pain. I've never been that upset before but I feel their hurt in my heart. I feel it like I'm experiencing it myself. It's strange...
I had more to say but... I forgot. Maybe I'll post again later. I'm feeling kinda weird right now.
Oh well. God is good. :) I still pray for Steve every day. I'm so excited for Puerto Rico. Let's pray big things happen.
Sarah
So, switching subjects, I just got done watching Super 8. It was really good! Now I want to make a movie with my friends. Haha :) But it brought back to my attention something very odd about me. I've always been very empathetic, but I've realized that when someone is grieving or something like that, I can literally feel their pain. I've never been that upset before but I feel their hurt in my heart. I feel it like I'm experiencing it myself. It's strange...
I had more to say but... I forgot. Maybe I'll post again later. I'm feeling kinda weird right now.
Oh well. God is good. :) I still pray for Steve every day. I'm so excited for Puerto Rico. Let's pray big things happen.
Sarah
Sunday, June 19, 2011
This is not about me.
God has given me this strange but strong desire to give. I want to give my money, all of it. I've been saving it for months but it doesn't matter anymore. I want to give my extra clothes, I have so many. I don't wear half of them anyway. I want to give my stuff, any of it, all of it, to anyone who needs it. Me? I don't need anything. Nothing but God. His grace is enough. I will give my time, my labor, myself. Anything to bring God glory. I'm exhausted from camp, so what? This isn't about my physical body. I want to show God's love, His compassion. What do I need? This isn't about me. This is about everyone else. This is about God.
There was this guy at Fuge. His name is Steve. God called him to go to California so he dropped everything and literally hitchhiked across America. Once he got to California, he was homeless for two months. But every day God provided for him. Now he's playing with the Seth Medley Band which our church is very close to. They play at Fuge and our D-now's. Steve is doing God's will and has a home with Seth (the leader of the band).
You just don't know how hard that story hits me. I don't know why, I honestly have no idea. But I pray for Steve every day. With my whole heart I beg God to bless him. All the time I think of Steve and it makes me selfless. He was HOMELESS. He understands hunger, loneliness, maybe even fear. I don't know what it is like to be really, truly hungry. I've never been without food or a bed. I don't know what that's like! Why should I hoard my riches? Why should I sit here on my big, soft bed and complain because I don't have a cool iPod or phone or because I can't go swimming today or because I don't have the coolest shoes? What does all that mean? Nothing! It means nothing! I should be thanking God that I'm alive today.
But this isn't about me. At camp, I changed. Nothing is about me anymore. This isn't about me! It's about everybody else! I don't know why but it sickens me to think how anyone could be so selfish. So selfish as to ignore the hurting, to judge the poor, to pile up all this money to spend on useless things for OURSELVES. What does that say about God's people? We are to be like Christ so that the broken world can see His hope through us.
This isn't just a spiritual high. I will fight with my entire being for it to stay this way if it is. I will fight for God. This is not an empty promise! I made a covenant with God! This is my new life! I am going to start living like a real Christian should!
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just writing what I'm feeling because these feelings are so big. I just have this love in me, it's so big. This compassion that overflows in my soul. This is all so sappy but... I don't know. I halfway hope no one actually reads this because I have no idea what this is all about. But if you do read this, let the Spirit work in you through it. God, let my words bring you glory.
Sarah
There was this guy at Fuge. His name is Steve. God called him to go to California so he dropped everything and literally hitchhiked across America. Once he got to California, he was homeless for two months. But every day God provided for him. Now he's playing with the Seth Medley Band which our church is very close to. They play at Fuge and our D-now's. Steve is doing God's will and has a home with Seth (the leader of the band).
You just don't know how hard that story hits me. I don't know why, I honestly have no idea. But I pray for Steve every day. With my whole heart I beg God to bless him. All the time I think of Steve and it makes me selfless. He was HOMELESS. He understands hunger, loneliness, maybe even fear. I don't know what it is like to be really, truly hungry. I've never been without food or a bed. I don't know what that's like! Why should I hoard my riches? Why should I sit here on my big, soft bed and complain because I don't have a cool iPod or phone or because I can't go swimming today or because I don't have the coolest shoes? What does all that mean? Nothing! It means nothing! I should be thanking God that I'm alive today.
But this isn't about me. At camp, I changed. Nothing is about me anymore. This isn't about me! It's about everybody else! I don't know why but it sickens me to think how anyone could be so selfish. So selfish as to ignore the hurting, to judge the poor, to pile up all this money to spend on useless things for OURSELVES. What does that say about God's people? We are to be like Christ so that the broken world can see His hope through us.
This isn't just a spiritual high. I will fight with my entire being for it to stay this way if it is. I will fight for God. This is not an empty promise! I made a covenant with God! This is my new life! I am going to start living like a real Christian should!
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just writing what I'm feeling because these feelings are so big. I just have this love in me, it's so big. This compassion that overflows in my soul. This is all so sappy but... I don't know. I halfway hope no one actually reads this because I have no idea what this is all about. But if you do read this, let the Spirit work in you through it. God, let my words bring you glory.
Sarah
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