Chaos in my mind

Ok, I have a lot on my mind, so here it goes.


So all summer a friend and I (we'll call her Page) have been planning on doing a Bible study at my church for the middle school girls. You know about this, it was in my last post. Kaleo. So it started when we were trying to find a place to do it at that wasn't at the church. We wanted some place cozy and nice so that the girls would feel free to open up and speak. But we soon found that to be difficult because no businesses are open on Sundays and our houses are way in the middle of nowhere. So I really prayed about it and felt like God was telling me to have it at the church and just be thankful that we have such a cool youth building. I told Page this and I could tell she was still sorta hanging on to the off-campus idea. So I just told her we'd pray some more about it. Then our youth pastor Kyle suggested Isabella (who has been doing a MS girls Bible study all summer) work with us. I have nothing against Isabella and I am perfectly fine with her working with us. I just don't know her very well and don't know how she teaches. Plus, I was worried that she would get burned out doing a Bible study all summer AND all school year. I was sharing this all with Page when she said we should just give it up to God and accused me of making excuses because I didn't want to work with Isabella. This frustrated me a little but I let it go because I didn't want to cause drama. But then again, we had already talked to Micah about helping us teach and I'm afraid 4 teachers is too many! Especially if we don't have that many girls show up. However Kyle encouraged it. And now after so many changes and so much effort (that turned up to be worthless) I am just done with it. It makes me not want to do the Bible study anymore. Especially since Page has been a little more of a snob lately (I'm sorry, I hate to be mean but right now I'm just frustrated and confused).  But if I back out now, Page will definitely be PO-ed and might be angry at me for a while (when she gets angry at a friend, she stays angry and is quick to hold grudges and cause drama). So I don't want that to happen because she's the only person I know who will actually do stuff like Bible studies and little missions around the community with me.


Oh! This just in! We have fresh information on the subject. So now Taylor (an intern at the church) has been talking to Kyle and wants to meet with the three of us (Page, Isabella and me) to discuss the Bible study and set things in stone. I have a feeling it would be so much easier (and safe me much stress) to just back out. Page and Isabella can do the Bible study together, that'd be great! And I can stick to my other Bible study.


Oh, that's right. I was also wanting to do a Bible study at my school. This option sounds much more appealing than the last. To me, this Bible study would look like one of two things. 1.) meeting at the school 30 minutes before time to start with the high school girls and just sharing what God taught me that week. or 2.) meeting on Monday nights at probably my house, all of high school, small, cozy, people taking turns teaching, nothing big. I like the sound of option two because it would bring us all together and create the homey feel that Heritage did. We were all so close at Heritage. I'm not sure if anything could be like it... Anyway, I'm also nervous about option two because I'd feel weird teaching in front of all the high school (especially when most of the guys are awkward and probably would respond to any questions or anything). 

I know I should pray about it all but at this point I am so frustrated with all of the options, all of the problems, all of the stuff that needs to be "figured out" that I just want to scream and throw it all away. Then that's when I'm thinking "Why can't things be simple? Why can't I just serve God with my entire being? I'll give all my stuff away, I'll give it all away! I'll throw myself into any service to God, I'll devote my life to anything God wills! Why is it the petty things that always get in the way?" I know those thoughts seem random but it's what I think. Then I remind myself that I need to do that God is calling me to do here and now. He doesn't want me to sell all of my things, he doesn't want me to try to run away from the problems by working. He wants me to stop. And listen. And I try to listen but the voices of these problems seem to be shouting. But no, He says "Be still and know that I am God." 

And I'm trying. I stopped, I prayed, and I listened. But I don't think He's ready to give an answer yet. I just have to trust that He will give it to me when the time is right. 


So for now, we'll put everything on hold. I will wait for His response. I will wait for His word before taking another step. If you've made it this far, I applaud you. You are a tough cookie for making it through that confusing train of thought. Pray for me, though. 


May the God of peace and the God of knowledge be with you wherever you go. 


Sarah