Swim

I really like this song. It's like my current favorite. It's so motivating and gives you such hope. I can relate to some of the lyrics well. I love this song and it keeps me positive and lets me enjoy the work involved with life. Life has been an interesting concept to me, lately. Have you ever been in one of those moods where you such sit there and wonder and think for a long time, almost wistfully? Yeah, I get like that alot lately. Not in a bad way. In fact, I rather like it. 

But yeah, life. Life as we know it. Life in America, life in other countries, survival. Do we live to survive? No, we live please ourselves. Others live to survive. Humans. Humans can be so cold, so selfish. How can one human being have the knowledge that another is starving to death and not even care? We see pictures of starving children in places like Africa and it bothers us. Why? Why does it bother us? It is because it makes us feel guilty? Or do we know that it's wrong and that we can do something about it? And then back to life. Life is precious. We all deserve death yet God has given us life. Breathing, existing, growing. It's all a miracle. Our bodies are magical, functioning vessels that carry our souls. And life is hard. It takes its toll on our bodies and spirits. But you can't lose hope. No. You can't. Just keep going. God is your hope. Always and forever, He is with you. He is what holds you together. He is who formed your body and made sure it works properly. He is the one who came up with every tiny detail that makes up the human body. And we've abused these holy vessels. Some people smoke and drink too much and it hurts us. People doing drugs, people who overeat, and people who starve themselves. It's like no one realizes what a miracle life is. I mean I know I've really gotten off track here, but this is what I think about sometimes...

With love for Him.

Yours truly,

SD

When I see your eyes

Today brought emotions and tumult inside me,

You brought be happiness, I thought you were the key,

I had my thoughts set, my mind was resolved,

But now it's all gone, my security dissolved.

Now all is unstable, is it even worth a fight?

What am I feeling when I think of you at night?

I need to give up, I'm chasing a dream,

But I can't let go! You're my steady beam.

I am bound by my love, yet betrayed by my mind,

Will it ever be gone, will I be freed from this bind?

I just wish it was simple, straight-forward and candid,

I wish I could know so I'm not left here stranded.

I'm so far away from where you are,

What's happening in that place that's so afar?

I just wish you'd know that you are loved!

I appreciate everything about you, my beloved.

I'd do anything to see you smile,

If it'd make you happy, I'd swim the Nile.

As long as your content, I'll be fine,

I just want you happy, you don't have to be mine.

I'll bear the heartache and face the pain,

If it's another girl that in your heart reigns.

I just have this love that I can't deny!

It screams inside, can you hear its cry?

Day after day, night after night, it yearns and longs and dreams for you,

I am alone in my feelings, they're my only crew.

No matter how long the poem, or how long the ballad,

Nothing will express my true love that's valid.

The words will keep running, like a stream that never dries,

How do I describe how my heart stops when I see your eyes?

When I see your eyes...

Be Weird

I've come to a conclusion. I'm going to be weird. I'm going to go all out for Jesus (how cheesy does that sound???). At my school I'm going to push forward and pursue this whole student-led chapel thing. What's the worst that could happen? And who do I have to fear? Why would my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ put me down for trying to bring more of Christ into our school? Besides, God wants me to and that's enough. Also, we are called to be holy. The Bible says "Be holy because I am holy" (God speaking of course). To be holy means to be set apart. I'm already different in my interests and the way I dress at my school, why not go all out and make my behavior and pursuits crazy too? If you're going to do something, do it all the way. :) Right? So here we go! Let's make some people think I'm some crazy Jesus-freak! Yeah! :) Throw caution to the wind. Christianity is supposed to be an adventure, it's time to have the mindset that it is. Whoo hoo! Who will join me?

With excited love for Him.

Yours truly,

SD

Make the invisible children seen

Invisible Children is an organization to help and raise awareness of the child soldiers that the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army) are creating. I can't really explain it all. It's too long. To get the full scoop start here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qds5MQCqWnk and then watch all of the 6 videos. I strongly encourage you to watch all of them when you get the time. It's about an hour long overall but it's worth it. It's so sad, though. These children commute to the city by themselves to sleep where they won't be abducted by the rebels. Children, from age 5 to 12 are led into the desert and exposed to extreme, horrid violence. They are taught, no, brainwashed to kill and torture people. It crushes my heart to think that even young children cannot live safely in Northern Uganda. They can't sleep in their homes with their families. What a terrible life for children. Please, watch the videos when you can. God's really laid this on my heart. I plan on doing a big fundraiser at my church soon to raise money for them. 

Oh, and just as an update about Dude. I haven't talked to him in a few days so I haven't thought about him as much. It's good because I'm not so at war with myself (well, more like Satan isn't trying to make me feel guilty every other day). But it's bad because I know as soon as I talk to him again or see his picture again, it's all going to come rushing back and I'll be upset because I don't stand a chance to all of those girls he sees every other day at school. Oh well, maybe (just MAYBE) I'll be able to balance myself about love one day. Because even though I haven't talked to him in a little while, I still know that honestly, I do love him. And that's pretty big for me.

Oh well, life is good, though. The snow came and is here to stay for a long while. The roads will hopefully clear up soon so I can get out of this house and be with someone other than my family. Haha as mean as that sounds, it's true. We're not meant to be this close together for this long. ;) 

With love for Him.

Yours truly,

SD

This nostalgia will destroy me

School is slowly killing my soul. I think I know why. Because the opposite schedules of our (yeah, you know who I'm talking about) schools make it impossible to talk. So I'm upset because I don't want to do school (plus I'm tired from getting up so early lately) and I am stupidly obsessed with wanting to talk to him. When things like this happens I feel like God may be letting me take a break from thinking about him and then I think I don't like him but as soon as he says a word, I realized it never left. 

I feel stupid. I feel like I'm being selfish and not following what God wants me to do. But I also think that I've been trying to protect my heart for so long, following all the rules to being a "good girl", that now I can't accept when I really like someone. It's like I tell myself that it's bad that I like them. I make myself feel guilty and come up with reasons not to like them. But if I keep this up, I will will never be able to love anyone. In a way, I wish he'd read this and just graciously let me know if he does or does not like me. But at the same time, I'd be completely mortified. 

And now I feel like I'm wasting my time worrying about this when I could be worrying about those starving kids in Africa. But you know what, right now, this is big in my life and I need to get this out of the way before I try to do anything else big. You have to help yourself before you can help others. 

So here we are, making a tad bit more sense now. I hope this means I'm slowly coming out of the confusion. Hopefully this means I can progress with figuring out what to do next. Oh well. Thanks for venturing into the dysfunctional mind and thought process of Sarah. Tune in later for an update.

With love for Him.

Yours truly,

SD

Things learned, things unresolved

Thinking back on this past year, a lot has changed since I stood in this same position at the beginning of 2010. So many things I have learned. For instance, just because your friends change, doesn't mean your friendship is crashing down. God uses everything and everyone to show us how great He is. If you ask God for something (e.i. patience) He will give you the opportunity to be patient rather than just giving you this abundance of patience. Make sense? Watch Evan Almighty and you'll get it. ;) Some more things I've learned: seek God with your everything and He will make everything right, you don't need powerful worship to be on fire for God (though it does help), you are stronger than you think you are. God will never put you into something you cannot bear. And more recently I've learned that He has the power to make sense of the things that confuse you most and He will guide you when you feel lost. I guess I should fill you in on all that junk: 

I forgot what I called him before. Well, the same guy that I talked about liking before, I really, really, really like him now. I'm going to call him Dude. So lately we've been texting a lot and now I like him more than ever. His personality is totally unique and he is like a storehouse of random information. He is such a dork and a nerd but that makes him, him. And sometimes I feel like I say the stupidest stuff but he never makes me feel stupid. He always makes me feel funny (when I'm not!) and maybe this is just me hallucinating because I like him so much. I don't know if he likes me or not but he certainly captured me. I don't mean to brag but when he first starting going to my ex-school, everyone thought he was weird and told me about how strange he was. So I decided to investigate myself and ever since our first, short conversation of Facebook, he intrigued me. Eventually everyone grew to love him but I never lost that weird interest in him. Not as in a crush (not at that time), but I was curious about his personality. One day I realized I liked him, later I thought I'd gotten over him but when I saw him again, it all came rushing back. Now, I like him so much, it makes me question what true love feels like. Sometimes I doubt myself and my feminist side tells me I'm pathetic and shouldn't have to be at the mercy of a guy. But at the same time, I can't deny that I kinda am. It's a constant battle inside me. But somehow I still know God's in control of it all and I KNOW He has the perfect guy for me to date. But what I need to know is... is Dude the one? Cause if not, I'm risking a ton of heartache and emotional pain. It's a risky situation to be in. *sigh* This is mainly why I'm trying to wait for a sound answer from God before moving too far into this friendship. 

And then there's a whole other factor. He lives forever away. So even if (now this is a huge fantasy, just so you know) he likes me and asked me to go out with him, I'd never be able to see him or go on many dates. Maybe when we can drive we'd see each other more but that's like 2 years away. So that's the whole realistic side of it all. And then I have all kinds of voices telling me different things. I have one good friend telling me to go for it, to dream and trust my heart. To take a leap of faith for my love. Then I have another good friend who has been through something similar and ended up being hurt terribly. I know it seems like I should listen to the experienced friend but part of me just doesn't want to. Ugh I wish it wasn't such a big ordeal. 

God,

Please help me. Please give me clear guidance so that I know what You want me to do and so that I can only do what You want me to. I only want to do Your will. You would not have put this person in my life if you didn't want me to do something. So tell me. I can't make these decisions on my own. You are all-knowing so You tell me. 

Your daughter,

SD

Good start

I'd say this new years resolution is off to a good start. Though I've only been at it for two days, I can tell it's going to be awesome. I find things to be thankful for even in the first 8 chapters of Genesis. You know that weird feeling you get when you know God's in control of something? Like something bigger and greater and you don't know what yet? Yeah, I'm getting that a lot. It's that weird feeling you get when your heart feels all swollen and like there's something moving in the middle. It's so bizarre. 

But there is something that's been on my heart that I just have to share with yall. My friend at my old school go to this thing called House Church where it's like student-led church at someone's house on Saturday nights. Apparently it's really cool and awesome worship and stuff. Well I want to do that (well... kinda, I'll explain in a second) but over here where I live. I want to do a House Church but maybe where it's just worship for an hour but it's free and open worship and on Wednesday nights during the summer. That way we could have it outside sometimes (Maria). :) 

Because I need some good worship. The chapel at my new school sucks and at my church, we don't really raise our hands a whole lot. I always got my good worship at my old school on Fridays in worship chapel. Man, that was amazing. I need to bring that to those at my church who have never experienced God like that before. Such encounters with the Spirit. At times I could have sworn I felt His arms around me, heard His voice in my ear, saw His face. God's voice is the sweetest voice in the universe. The same mouth that breathed out the stars, has whispered in my ear. Magic. I need that again. Everyone needs pure, awestruck worship. 

So that is what it driving me to start this. We need this. Worship is a necessity. Pray for me and my friend Payton as we do this. It will happen, and God will bless it. 

With real love for Him.

Yours truly,

SD